Vinyl Dynamite #29: Barbarella

It doesn't get much groovier than this, folks.  Bob Crewe always had that hep bachelor pad music vibe, and with the Barbarella soundtrack he added a dash of psychedelia.  The result: some of the grooviest far-out music ever recorded.

In Hollywood's unfaltering quest to remake everything ever made, they have moved on to this little gem.  I hate to tell them that, unless they're going for an Austin Powers style parody-comedy, it can't be any good.  Barbarella was very much a product of the times; a day-glow cosmic explosion resulting from the collision of both the swingin' Casino Royal aesthetic with the hippie psychedelic culture.  It would be like remaking Easy Rider or Saturday Night Fever - an exercise doomed to stupidity.

Listen to the Title Theme


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Lost but not Forgotten Celluloid Trash

It's hard to know what's going to be of value in the future, so we often discard things that we deem worthless, but live to regret later.  For instance, thousands of Egyptian mummies were used for fuel and kindling in the 1800s, and of a much lesser cultural value, my grandmother threw out all of my dad's baseball cards - which included Micky Mantle's rookie card.  I can still recall placing all my comic books, hundreds of old and valuable comics, in a big cardboard box and slapping a $5.00 price tag on it at a yard sale.  In hindsight, it was an idiotic move; but, I literally had no idea that these would be valuable one day.

The same can be said about early films, especially those low budget exploitation reels.  They were meant to be played a certain length of time at a drive-in or a seedy movie theater... and then destroyed.  It was inconceivable that these would be of commercial value one day.  They were a fire hazard and would likely deteriorate on their own anyway.  Thus, hundreds of shitty movies are gone forever.

It's fair to say none of these films are any good - they were hastily made, low budget and amateurish. Nonetheless, these are cultural artifacts, and can be enjoyed with the right frame of mind.  So, while these aren't lost Citizen Kanes, it is a shame that these reels of celluloid are gone forever.

Let's take a moment to look at a few missing pieces of cinematic sleaze.

Warm Nights and Hot Pleasures (1964)

This one interested me because it starred Joe Santos whom many of you may remember from The Rockford Files as the Rockford's buddy with the comb-over at the police station.

Here's a newspaper clipping describing a pornography crackdown involving this film. "Their buttocks can be discerned through sleazy panties" Gasp!

Exposure (1968)

Almost nothing is known about this film.  Believe it or not, it was directed by Joel L. Freeman - a guy who became a well respected Hollywood director/producer.  He's probably best known for Brainstorm (1983) starring Christopher Walken and Natalie Wood.

The movie starred Michelle Angelo, whose claim to fame is being a go-go dancer at the Whiskey A-Go Go and roles in various other smut like The Secret Files of Detective X.

Linda and Abilene (1969)

This one is of interest because it was filmed at the notorious Spahn Ranch  - the same spot Charles Manson and his followers plotted one of the bloodiest murder sprees in our nation's history.  The Spahn Ranch was originally a spot where local filmmakers in the 1920's rented horses for their movies. Later, George Spahn created a movie set there, and it became a part of The Lone Ranger and Bonanza sets. By 1968, The Manson Family moved in and the Spahn Ranch became a popular location for low budget adult films including: The Fabulous Bastard from Chicago (1969), The Ramrodder (1969), The Female Bunch (1969) and Wanda, the Sadistic Hypnotist (1969).  The ranch burned down in a fire in November 1970.

In addition to its notable location is its director - H. G. Lewis, the man credited with opening up the floodgates of gory cinema via Blood Feast and 10,000 Maniacs. Lewis is a fascinating character, his career is more varied and interesting than anyone I can think of.  In addition to introducing gore to movie audiences, he wrote a book on Norman Rockwell and a guide to plate collecting, is an accomplished musician and became filthy rich in the field of direct mail marketing.  He also owned the DeLorean used in Back to the Future!

If you know of any other movies considered lost forever, throw it in a comment.  I'd love to hear some of them.

Retro Movie Review #14: Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny and Girly (1969)

click all images to enlarge

I'd heard this movie was one of the lost classics of British horror films, so I decided to give the film (called simply Girly in the States) a try. Considering it was directed by famed British horror veteran, Freddie Francis, I felt it had to be seen sooner or later. So, here goes.

The movie begins with a long somewhat yawn inducing introduction to the brother and sister prancing around a zoo in schoolboy and schoolgirl uniforms acting ridiculously childlike/retarded. Other than Girly's intensely short miniskirt, your humble blogger was unimpressed.

Things start to get a bit more interesting when, next, we find Girly and Sonny taunting a homeless man; giving him alcohol, ridiculing him, and filming the whole thing. Naturally, the homeless guy is wondering WTF is going on.

Girly and Sonny take our hobo home to meet Mumsy and Nanny.  Mumsy is sort of a Miss Haversham and obviously rules the roost.  I can't quite figure why this homeless man is going along with all this (he seems horribly confused and put out), unless he thinks he might get laid.

   
In a particularly creepy scene, the gang is playing "oranges and lemons", skipping around merrily... until the lovely Girly takes the final lines of the old poem literally and chops his head off with an axe (not visible on camera).

"Oranges and lemons", say the bells of St. Clement's
"You owe me five farthings", say the bells of St. Martin's
"When will you pay me?" say the bells of Old Bailey
"When I grow rich", say the bells of Shoreditch
"When will that be?" say the bells of Stepney
"I do not know", says the great bell of Bow
"Here comes a candle to light you to bed"
"And here comes a chopper to chop off your head!"

The following day, Sonny and Girly are out to entrap more "friends" to play their games.  This time they entice a male prostitute and his client leaving a party.  They head to the playground (with the geezer obviously drooling over Girly) for some kindergarten fun.  However, the client grows weary of the games and starts giving her male escort static.

Subsequently, the chick is thrown to her death from the top of the slide as punishment.  Girly and Sonny bring her body back to the house and stow her in a trunk.  Things are getting beyond morbid at this point.

Note: the client was played by Imogen Hassal who committed suicide in London by overdose of the barbiturate Tuinal in 1980.

The Game continues when Girly convinces the "New Friend" that he was the one that killed her in a drunken stupor.  New Friend was too liquored up to remember the truth.  It's the same plot as Tom Sawyer, where Injun Joe makes a drunk think he committed a murder that Injun Joe actually committed.

The next fifteen minutes of the film involve Sonny and Girly playing annoying tricks on their poor New Friend.  Things take another morbid turn when New Friend finds his dead client in his bed with a note around her neck: "Rule #1: Play the Game".

But the New Friend isn't quite as easily duped and as predictable as their previous victims.  In fact, New Friend is a male escort by trade, and so has a few tricks of his own.  He lures Girly into a shed and, well, begins "practicing his trade".  Girly likes. Girly likes a lot.

I'll take a moment here to point out one aspect of this film that elevates it beyond its low budget limitations: Francis' cinematography.  Francis eventually became a hall of fame cinematographer with movies like Man in the Moon and Cape Fear in 1991, as well as great work in Glory, The Elephant Man and Dune.  You can really see some masterful shots in this film that even a layman like myself can appreciate.

Anyway, it doesn't take long for New Friend to cast his spell over Nanny and Mumsy.  It seems the only member of this whole effed up household that isn't attracted to New Friend is Sonny... who seems a bit effeminate, and may be hiding things.  However, we'll never know Sonny has hiding in his closet because Girly goes Medieval on his ass for even suggesting that he was planning to kill New Friend.

Notice the crib in the image above: that's where Girly sleeps.  Evidently this movie (which is based on a play) is some kind of allegory for the breakdown of the nuclear family of the 1950s as a result of the free love movement of the 1960s.  I imagine that crib is symbolic of their arrested development, blah, blah, blah. Whatever.  Leave it for someone else to interpret.

Next, Nanny and Girly get in argument regarding New Friend, and I'll give you one guess who ends up on the winning end of this argument. You guessed it. Girly kills Nanny with an axe whilst singing this lovely little dittie:

"Nasty Nanny is no good! Chop her up for fire wood! When she's dead, boil her head, make it into gingerbread!"

New Friend then explains to Girly that he'll be sleeping in Mumsy's room now that Nanny is gone.  Naturally, Girly isn't too fond of the idea.

Mother and daughter meet in an atrium and begin to knit - it's a brilliant scene because you know they both are planning to kill one another.  Yet, they maintain an air of cordiality.

The viewer is left wondering who is going to prevail: the diabolical mastermind (Mumsy) or the violent psychotic (Girly).  Let's find out.

The two come to an agreement: they will share New Friend with each getting him every other day.  It seems reasonable enough, but both seem very suspicious... as if this compromise was only temporary.  Neither one is really going to share for long.

Nest we see New Friend climbing into bed hiding a poison needle under his pillow.  What's going to happen next? I'm on the edge of my seat.

WHAT?!?! Holy shit, are you kidding me? The movie just f***ing ends! Give me a f***ing break!

What are we to believe happens? I read the comments on IMDb and they are just as perplexed.  Thus, although there's a lot to like about this film, I can't really recommend it because its ending is shite. 

At least we can lay one open ended question to rest - what ever happened to Vanessa Howard, the actress who played Girly? She seemed to drop off the face of the earth shortly after this film was released.  Fortunately, Brother Gil has your answer.

She married the successful filmmaker Robert Chartoff and lived happily ever after.  Her son, William, is the producer of Rocky Balboa (2006) and the upcoming film The Mechanic (2011).. 

Vinyl Dynamite #26: Wild in the Streets Soundtrack

It is with a sad heart that I confess that I have yet to see the 1968 hippie classic Wild in the Streets.  It's available from Amazon (as a two-for with Gas-s-s-s), but Netflix doesn't have it yet, and I'm too cheap to buy it.

It seems like the Boomers were obsessed with taking over the country in the late sixties - a plethora of songs and movies proclaim the fact that their numbers outweigh the older generation. Wild in the Streets doesn't sound like it's ashamed of this opinion, and basically preaches that the Boomers should rise up and start takin' over.... which they actually did, but reality was much less dramatic.

The soundtrack is your standard psychedelic pop. The hit "Shape of Things to Come" stands out as the best track, but some of the other tracks have merit as well. Here's "14 or Fight":



Download the album here

Obscure Grooves #5: Pygar's Persecution

What's the fascination with Barbarella? It was badly scripted, badly acted and extreeeeeemly cheesy. How is it possible that Hollywood is doing a big budget remake? Why are we still talking about this odd little movie based on an obscure French comic?

To genre fans, afficianados of cult movies, the answer is simple.  Popular entertainment can provide enjoyment on numerous different levels - it doesn't have to be cerebral to be a good movie.  A Lucio Fulci zombie movie can be just as enjoyable as the most critically acclaimed Oscar winner if you have the right mindset. You can't compare The Brothers Karamazov to a fairy tale, but they both have merit in their ability to capture the imagination and entertain the mind - both have value.

Put another way, the acting and storyline in Barbarella sucked big time; however, it still has great entertainment value: it's sexy, fun, imaginative, original and has cool space-age lounge music. Critics have hated it from day one and Jane Fonda has expressed shame over it, but it just won't leave our collective consciousness no matter how much they want it to. 

So, before I ramble on any further defending crap movies, here's a recording from the soundtrack called "Pygar's Persecution/Chamber of Dreams" by Bob Crewe.  Enjoy.

Retro Movie Review #10: The Ambushers (1967) Part Two

When we last left Helm, he'd gone apeshit after being drugged by Francesca, ripping her clothes off then passing out cold.  Fortunately for him, Sheila shows up and the tables are turned on Francesca. 

If you'll recall, Sheila was supposed to be insane.  She'd driven her top secret flying saucer into the jungles of Acapulco and been captured.  Months later, the US government finds her wandering around the jungle, crazy as a shithouse rat. What happened? She seems in perfect control.

It seems Sheila is, in fact, quite sane - she's been pretending. (I'm not exactly sure why she was doing that, but I'll go with it. Don't ask questions, just play along.) It's this kind of ridiculousness that gives this movie a bad rap (as I mentioned, Michael Medved called this one of the 50 worst films of all time).  I conted that it's no worse than Danger Diabolik, a similarly styled movie which has a huge cult following, and much respect.  Sure, The Ambushers is tongue-in-cheek, but is that a bad thing?

Well, it doesn't take long before both Helm and Sheila are captured by the diabolical Ortega in his secret lair (a la. Dr. Evil).  A man in a Fez (just like Will Farrell in the Austin Powers movie) wants to purchase the government UFO from Ortega.

Francesca is also there, and she too wants to purchase the flying saucer.

However, Ortega reveals that neither Fez nor Francesca will get their precious UFO. The sick bastard is selling it to the Chinese!  To add insult to injury, Ortega then sentences Helm to death by firing squad and wants to make Sheila his personal sex slave. 

We quickly discover that Francesca is a pretty resourceful lady. While Helm is preparing to have his brains blown out, she puts some lipstick on Sheila (obviously, the same deadly trickery she used on Helm earlier).

Then, the tricktess, Francesca, finds her way to the hidden flying saucer, but is manhandled by that dirty Fez wearing asshole before she can get in.

What this slimy Fez wearing sonofabitch doesn't realize is that only women can pilot the UFO. You heard me - for some reason this ship kills men.  This is why ICE had Sheila pilot the saucer in the first place.

Meanwhile, Helm is getting ready to die by firing squad.  He asks for one last cigarette - little do they know the secret agent smoke acts as a laughing gas.  Quintano, the firing squad leader and henchman, is reduced to tears and uncontrollable laughter.

I've gotta say here that I've read a lot of reviews for this film and they all say the same thing: Dean Martin phones this role in. Obviously, these critics just don't get it.  That's precisely what made Dino so great - he was too busy having fun to take this acting bit seriously.  Every line he spoke was with a sly wink to the camera, and audiences ate it up.  Dino is the anti-Liam Neeson... if you get my meaning.

Anyway, Sheila has drugged Ortega with her lipstick, and has him all hot and bothered aboard the UFO.  Ah, but let's not forget that this flying saucer KILLS MEN!

In the climactic scene, Sheila is aboard the UFO which is like a runaway beer truck spiralling down a train track toward the edge of a cliff.  However will she escape? My main man, Helm, puts Sheila on the back of his motorbike and send the UFO off the cliff where it explodes into a million pieces.

The movie's epilogue is perfect.  Helm is making advances at a new ICE recruit with Martin's "Everybody Loves Somebody Sometimes" playing in the background.  For some reason this chick just isn't in the mood.  This simply doesn't happen! Has Helm lost his mojo?

He changes the record to a Sinatra song ("Strangers in the Night") and suddenly she can't control herself.  She's all over him.

Get it? If you don't, chances are you would hate this movie. For the rest of you who appreciate Dino's outlandishly cool persona, you will lap this movie up and beg for more. Personally, I admire the Rat Pack mentality: those ultra-cool hipsters who were constantly in pursuit of the fairer sex, and only asked for two things out of life - a stiff drink and a close shave. 

The Ambushers is James Bond, Austin Powers, and Leslie Neilson all rolled up into one.  But what sets it apart for me is Dino.  I could watch him mow the yard and be glued to his every move. He was and will always be the very definition of cool. And never was he cooler than in The Ambushers. 

Retro Movie Review #9: The Ambushers (1967) Part One

To the Atomic Age hipster, the spy was the ultimate bachelor badass. Reckless, yet never ruffled. Daring, yet tender. His Beretta in one hand, his other hand holstering a martini.  He was an epiphany of suave.  For my money, no one personified this better than Dean Martin in his Matt Helm movies.  Indeed, The Ambushers is a celluloid cocktail of cheesecake and Dino mojo, shaken not stirred.

Well known critic,Michael Medved, put this film in his list of the top 50 worst films of all time.  But this movie wasn't meant for squares like Medved. It was meant to entertain, and it more than succeeds in this regard. Medved wouldn't know a Hi-Fi's from a Hi-Ball - and therefore has no business even watching this movie.

The movie begins at the Intelligence Counter Espionage (ICE) Rehabilitation Center where we find spies in training. This is where highly skilled double agents develop the tools of their trade - martial arts, top secret gadgets and the expertise to handle the most dangerous of missions.

Yes, we're two minutes into the film, and I think it's already pretty obvious what kind of movie we're in for. 

Ultra-smooth Helm is just minding his own business taking a stroll at the ICE Rehab Center when a former partner, Sheila, runs screaming into his arms shouting that someone's trying to kill her.  The doctors inform Helm that they found Sheila lost in a jungle, and she's now certifiably batshit insane.

Matt Helm learns from headquarters that he's not at the rehab to brush up on his Judo. No sir. He's there to work with Sheila. You see, Sheila was piloting a government issue flying saucer when she was forced to land in Acapulco..... it's a long story - I'll fill you in later.

BTW Sheila is played by Janice Rule, the former wife of Ben Gazzara and Robert Thom - the writer of Deathrace 2000!

Anyway, ICE wants to take Sheila and get her a makeover by the most flamboyantly gay man in the known universe.

 

Cut to a scene where Helm is receiving a massage while his miniskirted secretary Lovey Kravesit arrives unexpectedly. They are obviously poking fun at the Bond films and their tendency to give women characters suggestive names.  Lovey was played by Beverly Adams, a former fiance of none other than Erik Estrada.

The next scene takes place at the site of a spy training exercise on a simulated train - except, Helm soon discovers there's nothing simulated about the gun pointed at him. Once the two ladies leave (the older lady played Maude in Harold and Maude), the man demands Helm tell him about the government issue UFO or die!

Thankfully, the boss, Macdonald (James Gregory), saves Helm in the nick of time and takes care of the evil spy by straight up murdering his ass.  You may remember James Gregory from his role as Inspector Luger on Barney Miller.

Macdonald takes a moment to enlighten Helm.  He explains that Sheila is the key to discovering the whereabouts of the UFO.  The only problem is Sheila is, as I stated earlier, batshit insane.  It's going to take a very special man to crack this crazy chick - if Helm can't do it, no one can.

Helm also raises a salient point:  How'd this evil spy infiltrate the ICE rehab center? There's obviously a threat from inside the organization!

Of course, Sheila instantly takes a liking to Helm; however, in her deranged state, she thinks Helm is her husband.  This fits the plan perfectly because the two are to travel to Acapulco (near where the UFO went down) incognito as husband and wife photographers. 

Notice in the next image how both Helm and Sheila are smoking - it's hard to believe there was a time when you could smoke on airplanes (I still remember the little ashtrays in the armrests).

Helm and Sheila wind up at a fancy schmancy pool party when they notice the sinister, Jose Ortega.  ICE suspects Ortega is somehow involved in the disappearance of the flying saucer and Sheila's bizarre brainwash.

It becomes evident that ol' Sheila hasn't exactly forgotten everything when she storms Ortega's mansion and blows his ass away. Of course, you can't kill the sadistic villain this early in the film - Ortega survives because the gun was loaded with blanks.

What's disturbing about this scene is that Ortega is played by Albert Salmi.  In 1990, Salmi and his wife were found dead from gunshot wounds. It is believed to be a murder-suicide; however, the facts of the incident aren't exactly clear, and there are still a lot of unanswered questions.

Sheila flees the scene in a stolen car, is almost raped by a stranger who emerges from the backseat (WTF?), and escapes on foot.

Meanwhile, Helm is making headway with, Francesca, a wealthy woman he's met, played by the Austrian beauty, Senta Berger. Francesca has ties to Ortega, of which Helm would like to explore. 

Unfortunately for Helm, Francesca isn't so easily wooed by his charms. She drugs him using a special kind of lipstick.  This, of course, immediately reminded me of that episode of Gilligan's Island which had the long fantasy sequence where Gilligan is a secret agent.  In once scene Ginger attempts to poison him with a poison lipstick kiss, but secret agent Gilligan survives by wearing a pair of wax lips.

Matt Helm is driven psychotic by the drug, thrashing around, ripping off Francesca's clothes, and then passing out.  That never happened on Gilligan's Island! (I wish it had)

Stay tuned for part two to the Retrospace review The Ambushers. Glad you dropped by!