When we last left our humble horror host, he had been granted a wish to become a Rhinestone Trucker. Before his rival, Long Haul (Tim Conway), can marry the smoking hot Kinky Pinky (Roz Kelly), Lynde drives his big rig right into the diner. Apparently, the Rhinestone Trucker could give a damn about how many innocent lives he takes out - this wedding's not going to happen on his watch!
(Note: I apologize for the quality of some of these pictures. There simply isn't a good copy of The Paul Lynde Halloween Special in existence - the quality of the DVD is worse than VHS recorded on slow play.)
Ultimately, The Rhinestone Trucker wins the duel for the lady. He has a wad of cash that lures Kinky to his side. Where'd he get the money? He says he got it for starring in a movie called "Deep Trucker". Obviously, this is a play on Deep Throat.... nothing like a little hardcore pornography humor in a holiday TV special!
Next, we are treated to a bizarre wedding ceremony complete with sequen spangled dancers and disco lights. Instead of a disco song, however, it's a square dance.... go figure.
This odd little spectacle fades back to Witchiepoo's castle, where the witches recommend a little music for Paul. Bring on the musical guest! Who will it be? Well, let's see.... given that we've so far we've seen a variation on a Bye Bye Birdie number, a square dance, and Donn and Marie Osmond, I guess we should expect someone like Paul Williams or maybe Dinah Shore?..... Nope. GREAT SHADES OF ELVIS! IT'S KISS!!!
Yep. This is the last thing '76 audiences saw before going to commercial break - KISS kicking total ass and taking names, complete with pyrotechnics and "Detroit Rock City"! I am sure dad in the Barcalounger was left asking himself, "What the hell just happened?" One minute we're watching a hoe down with Tim Conway, the next minute KISS! If Gene Simmons had literally come out of the TV and spit blood in our face, it would've been no more shocking.
After the commercial break, we find that Lynde has accidentally wished himself into the Sahara Desert. He is a suave sheik named "Florence of Arabia" who wins the heart of a British heiress. They kiss madly with loud orgasmic grunts and moans. Exactly who is this young woman locking lips with Lynde? Why, it's none other than.... SWEET LINCOLN'S MULLET!! THAT'S MRS. BRADY!!!
My eyes! My eyes! These two really go at it - I wouldn't be surprised to learn that an NC-17 copy of The Paul Lynde Halloween Special exists somewhere. Mercifully, the if there were a hardcore sex scene between Uncle Arthur and Carol Brady Paul Lynde and Florence Henderson, it wound up on the cutting room floor.
Back at the haunted mansion, Lynde is feeling giddy and wants to give his third and last wish to the witch sisters. Naturally, they wish to go to a disco. Presto! The haunted mansion is transformed into a Halloween themed discoteque and we get to hear Florence Henderson sing a disco version of "That Ol' Black Magic".
UNCLE JOHNATHAN'S CORN COB PIPE! THIS IS TERRIBLE! I grew up listening to Louie Prima's version of the song. I mean, there are certain songs that just don't lend themselves to a disco beat: "Bridge Over Troubled Water", "Free Bird", and this song.
Next up is another KISS performance. The initial shock and awe of the band being on the show has worn off by now, so I'm able to actually enjoy it. Peter Criss is at the piano singing "Beth" - I know it's a sappy song with too much orchestral arrangements, but I've always loved it, and probably always will. Then the Kings in Satan's Service put on an incredible performance of "King of the Nighttime World". At the end, we get to see Gene breath fire!
Unfortunately, my happiness did not last long. In the segment, KISS strolls over to chat with the witch sisters and Lynde....WHAT IN THE NAME OF SAINT DAMIEN'S BEARD IS HAPPENING? THIS IS HORRIBLY AWKWARD! I don't think I am too far off base by saying this is the strangest most painful meeting in recorded history.
What can I compare this to? Maybe a meeting between Alan Thicke and Johnny Rotten..... or Ghostface Killah and George Will. Lynde's jokes keep falling flat, and KISS keeps staring at him like he's an effeminate alien.
Mercifully, the show is now at its end. The whole gang, Roz Kelly, Tim Conway, the witches, and Florence Henderson gather round for a particularly embarrassing rendition of "Disco Lady". A fitting end, I think.
