A Rare Glimpse Inside Retrospace Headquarters

I thought as a treat, we might take a backstage look at Retrospace headquarters.  Given that Retrospace is relocating to the Bahamas (for tax evasion purposes), I figured time was running out on showing you around this historic location.

Of course, you'll first have to pass through our high-tech security system. Full body cavity searches every Monday, waterboarding interrogations each Wednesday, and mineral-oil rubdowns each Friday.


Full time employees take a stairwell to the lobby, while temps are sent through a rotating cylinder which exposes occupants to a sustained 3.5 G. Don't worry too much about the temps, they typically survive.

Next up, is our reception area where Molly Goodhead, the front office receptionist, will great you with courtesy and professionalism.... unless your Swiss. She hates the Swiss.

And now we've reached the heart of the whole operation. Each and every one of these ladies plays an integral part in the day to day functioning of Retrospace. Many are tasked with simply responding to your comments while others fact check each and every post. Others come to work drunk and start terrible cat-fights. But each has an important part to play in keeping Retrospace rolling along.

If that was the heart of Retrospace, this next location is surely the brains, or perhaps the pancreas. Here all the data, ideas, thoughts, and recollections are compiled and archived. Here, the information is stored and accessed on a minute by minute basis.... and Ms. Anastasia Beaverhausen carefully retrieves all of it. I supervise. "A little higher, Miss Beaverhausen."

Long ago, I put away the keyboard and left the writing on Retrospace in the hands of modern technology. I merely input a few semi-interesting topics like "vinyl is better than digital" or "bad Sammy Davis, Jr. songs", and PRESTO a post is created! It's not completely on autopilot though; Ms. Throttlebottom must hold it steady and keep it from wobbling.

And finally, this information is backed up onto the small black cylinders you see below, This highly complex method of data storage was actually reverse engineered from alien technology obtained from Area 51.... but you didn't hear that from me.

Of course, what would an office be without its break room. I place so much stock in providing my employees a nice place to gossip and drink during their breaks that I spared no expense. To pay for it, I had to drastically cut costs in workplace safety which has resulted in several deaths. However, I think you'll see, it was well worth it.

 

 
Last but not least is the mail room. Here, letters flood in each day and are painstakingly read by Mrs. Fukalluvus and, in turn, are given a handwritten response. Granted, her filing and organizational skills are lacking, but she's one helluva hard worker (and functional alcoholic).

I know you're asking yourself, "Where's Gil's office?" Well, sorry to disappoint, but, as I mentioned earlier, we're relocating to the Bahamas for tax evasion  purposes, and I'm currently at the ribbon cutting ceremony. Perhaps we can show our beachside location in another post. Bring your sunscreen! Ciao!