Retro Movie Review #17: Hardbodies (1984): A Sociobiological Essay

Water. The surface of our planet is enveloped in a layer of this liquid, our bodies too are predominantly composed of it, and all life is dependent on it. Indeed, life itself sprung from this simple concoction of two hydrogen atoms bonded to an oxygen. It is also believed by many anthropologists that the human race evolved from a water living species that came about during times of great glacial thaw.

So it should be no surprise that humans are, by and large, hydrophilic. Mankind congregates by bodies of water, and has done so since time immemorial. Like so many other species, it is also the chosen spot for mating.

Subject #1

Into this environment we see Subject #1, called “Scotty”. It is readily apparent that he is the alpha male of this oceanic community. Unlike the Silverback Gorilla, Subject #1 attracts mates by his virility rather than brawn. Tan skin gives evidence of health and vitality, a worthy mate to the female.

Subject #1 in his habitat

He also exhibits physical features (remarkably similar to Ted McGinley, see article “The Penultimate Male and Sexual Dominance” by Edna Stein, Ph.D.) that indicate to passing females that his chromosomes will make good offspring.

Subjects #2,3, and 4

Enter Subjects #2, 3 and 4; all approximately forty years in age. They are past their mating prime. Their bodies have deteriorated with age, and so has their supply of viable sperm. The DNA within the spermatozoa have begun to degrade, potentially causing a variety of genetic defects. These are not good candidates for mating.

Subject #2

Subject #2 is of a Mediterranean descent and full of a desire to copulate. It appears his prior monogamous partner has left; leaving him without an opportunity to carry on the bloodline. He is desperate to copulate; and as most Mediterranean males, is not subtle in his advances. All to no avail.

Subject #3

Subject #3 is of a Hebraic lineage and morbidly obese. Studies have demonstrated a direct link between obesity and infertility; thus, this subject will have an especially difficult time finding an opportunity for sexual intercourse.

Subject #4

Subject #4 seems to pattern himself after a popular musical artist (Kenny Rogers), which is to say he prefers to be readily identified with The South, and wears his old age on his sleeve. This mixture of advanced age and remote geographical origin make him an extremely unlikely candidate for sexual union.

Subjects #2, 3, and 4 have a desperate need to copulate, but are inhibited by their biology. There are, however, several viable options for these subjects to take.

1. Take a female by force and copulate.
This isn’t a preferable option considering it will probably result in incarceration, further limiting their chance of mating.

2. Flaunt their monetary credentials.
This is a human female attractant as potent as any pheromone in the Animal Kingdom. It is akin to providing a stable and secure nest for the female in which to rear her young.

Subjects #2 – 4 opt for option 2. They purchase the “top habitat” on the beach in an effort to make their economic assets readily apparent. Now, the only missing step in the strategy is to actually find females to publicize their wealth too; a difficult task when females are repulsed by the mere sight of them.

This is where all four Subjects become engaged in a symbiotic relationship. Subject #1 lacks wealth; the 3 subjects of advanced age can provide him with this; or at least an appearance of wealth.

Subjects #2, 3 and 4 lack the youth and vitality to attract a mate; this is where Subject #1 can provide assistance in the form of skill development, and using himself as bait. In a sense, inflating their stock in the Natural Selection market.

Inhibitions are often loosened at youthful gatherings

The so-called “herd mentality” has long been observed in the human population (see Le Bon, Gustave, The Crowd: A Study of the Popular Mind, 1895}. Individuals will often shed their individuality in favor of the “will of the crowd” as if under hypnosis. This principle of “group wisdom” is on full display during youthful gatherings, or “parties”. Subject #1 is well aware that a normally inhibited female can easily turn into an exhibitionist at a party. Ergo, if the party is uninhibited, the females will likewise act uninhibited. This may be viewed as a trap by some, but it is but one step in a complicated process of luring in a mate.

Herd mentality used to draw in potential mates

A textbook illustration of this phenomenon occurs in the company of Subject #3. He initiates companionship with a female via a fabricated story that he is a top tier photographer. Initially, the ruse proves unsuccessful in that the photography session is awkward and uncomfortable. However, as more and more females enter the scene, a “Group Think” mentality overtakes the group. As each female sheds her clothes (barriers to intercourse), the mass hysteria spreads until all the girls are naked. Freud would be pleased.

Phase 1: Awkward and uncomfortable.  Female is inhibited.

Phase 2: Females gather, uncomfortableness is lessened

Phase 3: GroupThink begins to set in; females start to lose inhibitions

Phase 4: Herd mentality is in full swing; inhibition factor = 0
Click image to view NSFW version

 This symbiotic relationship between the four Subjects appears to work well in providing this group with mutual benefits. The 3 subjects of advanced age are now provided with multiple opportunities for sexual intercourse; meanwhile, Subject #1 is benefitting from an exponential increase in his harem.

Unfortunately, this system cannot run indefinitely. Consider this analogy:

There are 40 sheep in a flock grazing down in a valley. For several years, a lone fox has been making his meals on them with his only obstacle being a sheepdog. Until one day, three elderly wolves arrive. They are hungry and desperate for food, but too feeble to hunt. They offer the fox a deal: if he will nurse them back to health and teach them how to hunt the sheep, they will kill the sheepdog.

Both fox and wolves make good on their promises. The wolves kill the sheepdog and the fox restores their health and teaches them to hunt the sheep. Unfortunately, the flock quickly begins to thin. Soon, the most plump and succulent sheep are going to the bigger and more experienced wolves, while the fox sits empty handed.

Subject #4 begins to acquire mates

Even the morbidly obese Hebraic Subject #3 begins to acquire mates

In other words, Subjects #2, 3 and 4 develop the needed to skills to acquire mates; thereby rendering Subject #1 outnumber and outfoxed (parden the pun). 

Ultimately, the two warring parties must reconcile the matter through force.  There's no room for compromise in this Darwinian sexual landscape.  In this case, Subject #1 is able to triumph through a series of ingenious maneuvers.  Is this a testament to the theory that the most intelligent individuals will prevail in finding mates over those of lesser intelligence in the human community; thereby, creating a gene pool where the generations progressively become smarter? That is a topic for another study.

Dr. Gilligan, Ph.D., M.D., M.S., R.N., L.P.A.